


I Am Alive

by MariaSpade



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-22
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-12-12 15:43:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/813248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariaSpade/pseuds/MariaSpade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has a lot to be thankful for. A happy, loving husband that he adores with all he is. A beautiful home, big enough for two plus some, if Dean gets his way at the children he's been wanting. He has a steady job. There is too much guilt over the sadness he feels anyway, because he should be happy but he isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Alive

The night is dark and deep and loud outside. There is the sound of insects chirping, cars passing under streetlights, a car honks in the distance. It is dark outside and it is dark inside as well. The lights are all out. It comforts Cas. Lights mean looking, you can’t look without lights, and he cannot think to look right now. There is a mirror somewhere in this room, he knows, and he cannot take the chance of catching a glimpse of himself in it. He cannot bear the guilt right now.  
Cas has many things to be thankful for, he knows. Yes, he knows, and for this he feels guilt. He has a wonderful partner. A wonderful man he knows he can depend on. That man also has a wonderful brother who is there when Cas and his partner fight. He and Dean have been together a long, long time. Longer than he remembers because it all sort of blurs together in his head right now, right this moment, with the insects outside buzzing between his ears and that dog down the road barking so quietly it resounds in his head until he is numb. It has been a long time though that he and Dean have been together, or a ‘thing’ as Dean was so found of calling them when they first started dating. A thing. They were a thing. One entity. Just one. Two halves of the same whole and Cas knew he was lucky that they still felt the same way. He knew he was lucky and for this he felt guilty that he still felt this way.  
He has a very good life as well, and this weighs heavy on his mind as well. He has a good job as a librarian and he loves his job, he does. It leaves him time to text Dean while he is on his shifts and take long lunch breaks with him and meet new people and read all day and they have tea in the break room and it isn’t really good tea and the tap water tastes a bit stale like dish water but he gets tea when he wants and he can take it out to the desk where he works from as long as he’s careful not to spill it.  
Their home is nice, too. Big enough for two and, if they want, a growing family if they go ahead and adopt as Dean has been hinting at lately. There is no ring on his finger though (yet) and Cas was hoping to wait until then to start a family.  
So he is lucky, and he knows this, and it is because he knows this that he feels guilty that it is almost two o’clock in the morning and he is sitting awake on their bed with his head hung low and there is a handful of little white pills in his hand. Because he is happy, so happy with Dean and so in love and there are his highs, his good days, when he is so happy he calls out of work and makes Dean do the same for the construction job he has and they spend all day in bed sharing kisses that taste like morning breath all day because they don’t even get up to brush their teeth, they just spend all day making love. And then there are his bad days, his terrible days that are so bad he cannot get out of bed not because Dean is holding him down and pressing kisses against his throat but because an entirely different entity holds him down and this entity, he is told, is called depression. It’s a funny word and the wrong one, he thinks, because depressed people belong in hospitals where they get help and support and Cas doesn’t need that because he has Dean and Sam too when he needs someone else and he has such a good life and so much to be thankful for and he is so guilty that he isn’t more grateful for it. What he has is a sadness. An eternal sadness that Dean washes away with kisses and love and his smile, oh Dean’s smile is gorgeous and it makes Cas’ heart stop even to this very day but just like dirt you can wash it away as many times as you like but it will always be back soon. And it is back and that is why Cas is sitting here on the edge of the bed at two in the morning with these funny little pills he was given three months ago to help cope with the sadness when it came around. He cannot stand to look into Dean’s sad eyes anymore. Dean is convinced it is his fault that Cas can’t get over his sadness, that he isn’t doing this enough or he ought to do that more and Cas cannot tell him enough times that this isn’t true and Dean is the most perfect and bright thing in his life. He cannot say it enough because still Dean thinks it is his fault and the only thing Dean is at fault for is making Cas wait this long to do this because Cas has been holding off for so long, he’s been so busy in the whirlwind of being with Dean (between kisses and moving in together and renovating their new kitchen together and love making and sneaking into classes at the community college and ordering coffee for each other he has been so busy) that he has not had time to think about this or do it.  
He has his note next to him on the bedside table. It is short. It is full of nothing but love with a hint of guilt. It says he knows this is selfish of him, he knows it will hurt Dean, but he cannot watch the beautiful green in his lover’s eyes dim when Cas drags him down. He has thought of simply leaving Dean before, just disappearing, but again, he was so busy being this important part of Dean’s life that the thought of being alive but not part of it was never an option.  
His head hangs low over his legs again, bare except for the pair of boxers he has on. Dean is behind him, sound asleep. He is an angel, Cas knows. Dean is his angel in disguise, here to save him and all Cas can think is that he hopes God won’t get mad at Dean for not being able to save him. But if he is still able to get to heaven he will make sure the first thing he does is make sure God understands it wasn’t Dean’s fault, he is still an angel and always will be, but it was Cas’ fault, he was unsaveable. And if he doesn’t make it to heaven, well… then that ought to prove that it wasn’t Dean’s fault to begin with.  
His hands are warm and sweating. The coating on the pills becomes filmy against his hand and the smell reaches his nose. It is bitter and smells a little like brown sugar. Cas turns over one of the pills and the little numbers on the coating has smudged off against his sweaty palm. Dean shifts behind him. It is soft and Cas hardly even thinks about it. They have spent so many nights in the same bed and Dean has always been a fussy sleeper. Turning this way and that and stealing sheets and his feet all over and cold against the back of Cas’ legs.  
Cas stands up. His knees feel weak like he has already swallowed the pills but there they are in his hand. He rolls a pill over and it sticks before moving. The noise outside has dulled to a quiet roar between his ears that feels like it might surge up any moment out of his throat. He walks to the bathroom. Not here, not in the bedroom for Dean to see as soon as he wakes up. He swallows thickly as he walks to the bathroom. There is a nightlight in the hallway because Cas gets up a lot of nights to use the bathroom, and Dean was tired of waking up when he heard Cas cursing up a storm when he bumped in the table in the hallway. Cas turns on the lights of the bathroom. They are bright and cold. They are manufactured and distant. The mirror is hard to look at so he doesn’t. He stands in front of the toilet. His breathing is coming fast. His heart is beating in his ears. The light is now the loudest noise in the entire world to him, like the volume of a hundred bustling cities in one, buzzing above him. He opens the lid of the toilet. He drops the pills in the water. He closes the lid and flushes.  
He returns to bed after splashing cold water on his face. He is not thinking right now, and it is hard work, but he is succeeding. He climbs in and a moment later Dean has already tangled himself back with Cas and if he realizes how cold the other man must feel right now (Cas is shivering but he is alive he is alive he is alive) he doesn’t say a thing or perhaps he is just still asleep and doesn’t mind. In the morning they will wake up. It is their day off tomorrow, they will certainly go grocery shopping and for a walk as well, it will be so beautiful out tomorrow. They will wake up and Cas will go to the bathroom and he will return and when he does Dean will have seen the note that will never see the light of day again and he will look at Cas and see he is still there (he is alive he is alive he is alive) and he will take the broken man into his arms and make him feel whole again.  
Because they are two halves to the same whole and Cas knows that. And he cannot let Dean live without him. He cannot live without Dean. And suddenly the best path to death for him is a long long one full of life and Dean and kids maybe and Dean and getting a dog like Dean wants and Dean and meeting Dean’s father (which after so long he still hasn’t done) and Dean and days off from his job to look forward to and Dean and teaching Dean how to ice skate and Dean and he is alive he is alive he is alive.


End file.
